Condolences

I was going to make a post today, sharing my thoughts on the media's representation of fathers. In light of today's news, however, I think it probably best if postpone that in favor of admonishing dads and parents to love their kids and to squeeze and hug them everyday.

I wish I had some thought provoking or sublime prose that could mend or make sense of the shootings in Connecticut. I am at a loss for words and my heart aches.

Correction

Discipline is one of those topics every parent has to deal with. Its not an easy one either. Everyone has a different history with discipline, even among siblings. I am the youngest of six kids and was disciplined very differently than my older brothers and sisters. Even like-minded people will disagree on how to correct a child's misbehavior.

Parents usually come to a consensus, but often, the duty of exacting discipline falls to the fathers, especially if he is the one with the kids all day. Even for working dads, moms will often wait to discipline, or at least use their employed husbands to threaten, their kids. "When your father gets home we're going to have a little chat!" I've been in homes where, when the father gets home from work, the first thing out of mom;s mouth is something like, "YOUR daughter has been so naughty today. She did _____ and _____." It falls then upon the exhausted father to try and correct those behaviors that happened hours earlier. It is the humble opinion of this writer, that this is just unfair.

Its unfair to the child. To the kid, 6:00 is the scary time. Its when daddy gets home and who knows if mommy has a laundry list of mistakes they made throughout the day for which they will be punished. This makes for a confusing relationship between the child and they're father - a strange mixer of "Yay! Daddy's home!" and fear. Its also unfair to the Dad. It puts the burden of disciplining all on their shoulders and it fills the short time (from getting home from work, til bedtime) with unpleasantness when they'd rather be enjoying their family. Sounds like having an at-home dad is the solution! Well, not really. While we do tend to get more time with our kids, and can make immediate corrections so misbehaviors don't mount up, the burden of discipline still falls to us.

Like working dads, when moms get home, they too want a pleasant, happy time with their kids and are consequently often unwilling to correct their kids even if they're home. When my wife gets home I typically leave the kids and my wife up to their own devices. She's missed them all day and wants to spend time with them, and frankly, I'm happy to have a break and have a little me time. Now, not to brag or anything but I'm good. From the years of dealing with my kids I've got them figured out fairly well. I know just how to calm them down when they're having fits, cheer them up when they're sad, help them be reasonable when they're being unreasonable, etc.. I've put in the time. When my wife gets home though, I don't want to do those things anymore. I want her to take a turn. Often though, I'll hear my wife, trying to deal with an unruly child. I try my best to tune this out. "Give her a chance. She'll handle this", I say to myself. After a few minutes my wife, clearly annoyed, will call me from upstairs, "Brett, would you come up here and handle this." Then I resentfully have to go up there and deal with whichever kid is being bratty.

Now, I'm not disparaging my wife. She's an amazing mother that has a wonderful connection with our kids. I simply have had to deal with our kid's behavior more and thus its often easier for her to call on me rather than go through the same learning curve as me. Sometimes I'm just as much to blame. Rather than have my peace disturbed, I'll go fix whatever problem, when I should have just let her handle it in her own way. Luckily, as our kids are maturing, this is becoming less and less of an issue.

Now, there are some huge generalizations here. Sometimes, as with my parents, the mom is the disciplinarian, but it seems its always one or the other doesn't it. I don't really have any profound or sublime insight as to how to deal with this issue. And even if I did, people and families are so varied it probably wouldn't have worked for anyone else anyway. There probably isn't a solution, and maybe that's okay. Perhaps problems like these are there just to instill in us respect for our spouse's differences and the importance of communicating with each other.

Discuss.

-Brother Brett

Saturday

Saturday is chore day. Thats the way it’s always been. When I was young we always devoted time to do chores each week. Growing up in a family of six kids there were always chores to be done. I remember my mother explaining, that if you are a part of a family you should be expected to contribute. So, every Saturday all of us kids would engaged in tasks around the house. The tasks changed sometimes depending on the needs of the household. My mom would decide what had to be done and delegate jobs to us kids. During the Summers I remember doing a lot of painting and weeding as my folks worked on the house and garden. I also have memories of splitting and stacking wood. Then there was the usual routine inside. For some reason, I remember being the one who always seemed to pull dusting detail, although my brother Brett may disagree as he also had time behind the can of Pledge. All of the chores us kids did each week was for the good of the family.

I’m thinking that a lot of you readers out there probably had a similar situation. It’s good for children to learn to pull together as a family. Working in the home teaches teamwork and the ability to contribute to the greater good of the household. One reason I think Saturday had an impact on me, was the fact that no family member ever received monetary compensation for working around the home. All of the labor was done to benefit the family and house.

This expectation from my parents created an environment in which us kids appreciated the house, and each other much more than if we had no expectation to contribute. The family even had better relationships as the work in the house made life better for all of us. Lets be honest... who doesn’t love a clean and organized home. So, I want my children to have this same environment that I had growing up.

This however, is easier said than done. I really appreciate how my parents were able to create the “Saturday program” and institute it in a family of six kids. I only have three children, and getting them motivated for chores can be difficult. I tend to be a routine guy. If I do something on a schedule every week, than I am more likely to keep going. So, I am using this method for chores.

Every week on Saturday, I spend time cleaning bathrooms with my daughter. This is a very important chore as I have two sons with questionable aim. For me this chore gets top priority. So my daughter and me have been getting into the groove cleaning. We have been doing this for quite  some time now, and she is getting pretty good with the task. She is responsible for the toilets and bathtubs. Even though she is only seven years old, she has become skilled with the scrub brush and Comet. I love to see her thin arm holding the scrubber scouring the surfaces clean. She has developed a good work ethic which makes me proud. I have noticed that on many occasions my daughter is the one who reminds me that its time for us to clean. When this happens, I know that I am on the right track.

Now I have started a routine that someday, soon hopefully, my daughter will be able to do all by herself. Infact, she will be able to train her little brother on how to clean this area. All of this service is for the good of the house and its occupants. It’s like my mother said, “If you’re part of the family you should be expected to contribute.” No one gets paid for the service, but the payoff is great. My children have an opportunity to learn how to work for the family and respect the space in which they live. They inturn treat the house and all of their belongings much better. They understand that they are responsible for their belongings, and need to keep them put away. There are many important lessons that come from Saturday.

The trick is starting the routine. If you can do this, the hard part is over. All you have to do is keeping it moving. I look forward to getting my other two boys on the Saturday program. Its been great for my daughter and me. If anyone out there has a good ideas on how to start routines like this please tell.

-Brother Jared

Think of the Children

This will be a departure from my typical subject matter, though it still pertains to kids. It is a topic that every parent has to think and make decisions about, decisions that affect our children. Its education. This has become especially prevalent in my mind with the school year beginning and with the Chicago teacher's strike becoming such a news topic.

First a little background. Like most of you, I went to public schools and had some great and some mediocre school teachers. The best school teacher I had happened to be my mom. She was an incredibly gifted elementary school teacher who in her long career taught every grade from Kindergarten to Eighth. She was a Reading Specialist, with a Master's degree and in that capacity was able to help a lot of kids that under normal circumstances would have been left by the wayside. My father was a college professor, equally gifted. I'm jealous of his students. I never had a professor that was able to draw in young adults the way he could. I have siblings that teach. Jared's wife is a 5th grade teacher and just completed her master's degree (congratulations, Jill!). I have always been surrounded by teachers.

So, like you, I was taught. The difference is that when school was over I went home to a house full of teachers. I was able to observe the conversations, frustrations and the satisfaction that comes with their career. I was also privy to their motivation. Over the years I discovered why all these lovely people in my life decided to become teachers. More than any other reason people become teachers, particularly elementary school teachers, is that they truly love children and they sincerely want to make a difference in their lives.

Teachers are misrepresented. They are often characterized as individuals that took the job as an easy way to have benefits, and summers off. All you need is a teaching certificate, right? School only lasts 6 or so hours, so the time commitment must be low. If I were ever made King of the Universe I would end these misconceptions. Nothing about being a teacher is easy. Yes, you need to be certified, but that doesn't guarantee you a job. Most spend years substitute teaching before they can find an actual full time teaching position. Once you have a teaching job you have to continue your education or risk loosing said certification. Teachers are at school well before any kids, stay way later and even after they get home are often grading papers or writing report cards.

Then there is pay. I have a hard time writing this without getting angry. Let me just say that I find it ironic that for several years my school lunches were paid for, because my parent's income was so low they couldn't afford to feed me lunch. The money that paid for my "free lunch" came from the same place that paid my mother's substandard salary. As for benefits like medical insurance... I hope Jared will one day write a post touching on this. Let me just say, it's not enough.

Teachers suffer the substandard pay, the grueling hours, and perhaps worst of all, misrepresentation all because of the reward - being able to affect the most important resource we have in a positive way.

In following the teacher's strike in Chicago, I am often angered by some of the attitudes of the parents. Granted, working parents of 320,000 kids have been inconvenienced. Finding a safe place for kids to be during the day is a challenge when you're working and day-cares, churches, etc are already overcrowded. Often, these parents get angry with the teachers, feeling that they're being greedy or something. And ultimately, when interviewed they always say, "they need to think of the children." Really? What they're really saying is "think of me," because they no longer have a FREE service that picks up their kids from their doorstep, drives them to a safe place watched over by certified, educated people, who develop their children's minds and bodies, often making up for parent's short comings, all day long and return them back home - all at no cost.

"...think of the children."

Are you serious? Who else do you think they're thinking of? Themselves? That certainly isn't the case or they wouldn't have become teachers in the first place! When teachers strike its in behalf of YOUR KIDS. Teachers become teachers knowing full well that the pay is going to be garbage and conditions not always ideal. To them that is a given. So you know when they start complaining, its not out of avarice, its because something is affecting their reward - their ability to be a positive force in your child's educational development.

-Brother Brett

School Times

I like the first day of school. Actually I love the first day of school...now that I don’t attend school. I love to watch my children get excited about the first day back. They are eager to wear their new cloths. They have backpacks full of school supplies. I love how they are up early the morning of the eventful day. My children seem to almost prepare themselves as my wife and I give orders to eat breakfast and find certain articles of clothing. As the children finish their preparation, they almost instinctively line-up at the door. They look nice with their new clothes, wearing the backpacks full of paper and writing utensils.

My oldest of the three, will be in fourth grade this year. My daughter who is the middle child, is going to second grade. The youngest, my little boy, will be attending kindergarten. The older two know mostly of what to expect. They seem eager to get back to seeing their schoolmates and working with their new teachers. They know that there will be a change in their schedule. The youngest is a little more cautious of what will be happening. He still doesn’t seem stressed out by his new academic adventure, however he knows its going to be a major routine change. I think that change is good. Getting used to change can be good especially for young children.

You see, the first time kindergartners go to school they have a half day in which the parents also attend. It’s a sort of breaking in day, or a time to ease your child into the public school arena. It’s interesting to see all the different types of parents with their children on this day in this school setting. Some children refuse to leave their parents side. These children usually need major coaxing from parents and teachers to participate with the class or sit at a desk even with the parent present in the classroom. Others have no problem in separating from their mom or dad and immediately begin interacting with the teacher and fellow students. The children that I saw that day ran the gamut from super shy to being overbearing.

I am very proud of my little guy as I didn’t need to pry his arms in a death grip from off of my leg to get him to sit with the others, nor did I have to tell him to keep his hands to himself and listen to the teacher. My little son made it very easy for me as all I had to do was stand there with the other parents, and listen. He would occasionally look over at me and wave, but that was pretty much my involvement on this day.

Still there were other parents who were trying to gain control over their kids who at this point just want to leave. I felt bad for the little ones who saw this as a frightening and traumatic time. In their little minds escape was the only solution, since the mom or dad wouldn’t take them away. Some parents used this school day as an opportunity to celebrate this change. I was very impressed by this group as I think they have the right mind set. They were very prepared and had good words of encouragement. They usually had cameras and were constantly taking pictures. Their children were very excited and seemed eager to pass through this celebration of change. I found this to be a great time for both the parent and the young kindergartner. I unfortunately can't say that I am that good. I just find myself lucky as my little guy seems fine with the situation. I guess he figures it’s what is supposed to happen. Still, it would have been better for me, if not him, if I would have used this time for more praise and encouragement.

I think taking advantage of these situations in this way make it better for the child as it will certainly make future milestones easier. As parents we have the opportunity to make change a good thing or something that is bad. The kids will look to us in how we see change.

-Brother Jared

Cultivation

First of all, I humbly apologize for the lack of posts recently. I feel like I should rewrite the header to say "weakly" instead of "weekly". Summers seem to be busier than the school year and I have found myself fully caught up in it. I will redouble my efforts. As consolation, the only thing I can offer is another post.

I have said before that one of the things that has really interested me is the ways in which men's parenting styles differ from that of women. I think why this has interested me so much is that these differences really become apparent when you're an at home dad.

There is a fascinating study done at Yale University by Dr. Kyle Pruett and Dr. Michael Lamb that focused specifically on how moms and dads operate around small children. What I love about this study is that it offers no indication of who does parenting better, simply that when men are presented with a particular situation, we interact slightly differently with our children to achieve the same result. A basic example would be something akin to when a child needs to be picked up moms will hold their baby facing them, dads, however, will more likely hold the baby facing out. The result is the same - the baby gets picked up. Dads just get there slightly differently. Here you can find a nice concise summation of the study's findings.

One of the most interesting observations of this study to me is that motherhood is initiated biologically at delivery, but for men, fatherhood is mostly social, not biological, and consequently our initiation as fathers is personal and varied. What does this mean? I read that as we really have to learn to like our kids, whereas with moms its pretty immediate. 

Consider the birth of my oldest son. Getting him out of the womb was a bit of a chore. He wasn't coming out very fast and the sensors screwed into the top of his scalp indicated he wasn't doing too well, so they brought out the doctor's version of a shop-vac and sucked him out. Once he was out he was fine-- 10 fingers, 10 toes, healthy weight, etc. They then plopped him down on my wife's chest and started wiping him down. The moment they did so my wife started bawling, completely overjoyed to finally have him in her arms. Now, I was happy too, but I was happy for completely different reasons. I was happy mostly that my wife was okay, that she was finally through this painful experience. I was happy that delivery was finally over with. I was happy that our son was alive and healthy. I, however, was not going to cuddle with it. I use the word "it" because that's what he was to me. It was all wet covered in slime and blood. It's color was all wrong. Its body didn't look like the plump little darlings in all the parenting magazines. He was kinda skinny looking and the vacuum they used to suck him out had made his head kinda oblong - he reminded me of the creatures in Aliens. There was no way I was going to pick that thing up, and I certainly wasn't going to snuggle with it.

"Do you want to cut the umbilical cord?" 

The doctor asked me this rhetorically as she was handing me some surgical shears from one of her hands and in the other hand she had... stuff. I politely refused. Good golly, those came out of my wife's innards! Those were organs! Did she really expect me to start snipping into what were, up until very recently, my wife's guts? Gross.

"Isn't he beautiful?"

This is the question posed by my tear streaked wife that had just endured hours of labor and 9 months of pregnancy. I answered the only way I knew I could.

I lied in a small voice, "yeah." I smiled. I was happy, just not like her.

Now I love my children every bit as much as their mother does. And, by way of reassurance, I wasn't nearly as freaked out at the birth of our daughter (I even cut the umbilical cord!). But it does illustrate this difference. Being a mother was instantaneous for my wife. I had to learn if I could even be a father. Clearly there are parenting skills that we all must learn. That's not what I'm talking about here. Its the emotional bond that connects us to our kids. A relationship, that fathers don't innately have at birth, and its different for all dads. I've known dads that have been initiated into this relationship almost as fast as their wives, and I've known dads that didn't until their kids could throw a ball.

Every dad is different and I don't want to disparage any parent who hasn't found his calling as a father. However, I will say this: my relationship as a father to my children is the single most profound connection that I have and almost as important to me as my relationship with my wife. And just like my marriage, my relationship as my children's father takes work. If you feel you're lacking in this area, get your hands dirty - literally. Do the diaper changes, the midnight feedings, staying up with them when they're sick, all the awful things that we hate to do as parents, and often try to pawn off on our partners. You have to work at your marriage because you vowed that you'd treasure that relationship for better or worse "in sickness and health", and it takes work to be able to do that. Marriages start great, and then you have problems to work through. For dad's kids are similar, but opposite. Its starts as a whole mess of problems, and then if you get through it, its a whole mess of awesome.

So ladies, be patient. This relationship might take a bit. And fellas, get crackin'.

-Brother Brett

Normal

Man kids are bratty. Self serving, lazy - no work ethic at all. They have amazing education, at no cost to them. They consume a delicious never-ending supply of food, for free. They expect to have name-brand clothes, they're own rooms in capacious houses, their own cars. All this and most can't be bothered to work a minimum wage paying job, or heaven forbid a job that requires manual labor.

Right about now I sound like the curmudgeon who complains about "kids these days," and who had to walk to ten miles to school uphill, both ways, in the snow. I realize that lazy teenagers have always been around. In fact, I remember my own grandfather complaining about my ability to work. Every generation has the propensity to be critical of the next. The situation really becomes a problem, I think, when when there is a change in economic standing.

I'll use myself as an example. My parents had humble wages. My father was a musician, my mom a teacher. There were 4 brothers, 2 sisters and at one point a foster child. So that makes 9 people, all living under the same roof. By roof I mean 3 bedroom apartment. When it came to budgeting there wasn't a whole lot of excess, but my folks made it work and we were happy. I never thought of us as poor.

To compensate for the small budget we all pitched in. We had chores. There was no dishwasher - we were the dishwashers. We shared rooms. I remember having the 4 boys all sleeping in the same bedroom. We worked. Most of us had some way of getting spending money (what's an allowance?) like paper routes, or berry picking in the summer. From the age of 12 or younger we were all required to have at least a summer job. If you didn't have a real job by the time you were 16, you spent your days looking for one. Most of the money we earned we saved, because this was going to pay college tuition. We shared everything. There is a 12 year gap between me (the youngest) and my oldest brother, and I specifically remember "inheriting" some of his clothes. I didn't have toys - we had toys. The 1966 Beetle which was to be my first car, was shared between my brother and myself - and the only reason we had it to begin with is because my brother built the engine for it.

Now I loved my upbringing. I never felt deprived or over worked. I don't want to give the false impression that I had some sort of hard life. I have a very loving and close family and I have fond memories of my young life. Indeed, it wasn't until I had a family of my own that I realized what an amazing feat my parents had pulled off. My "impoverished" upbringing was my normal. We didn't expect to be given anything because our "normal" dictated that if you wanted something you worked to get it.

My wife had a similar upbringing and consequently hearty work ethics. Partially due to our ability to work, we are financially better off that my parents were at the same age. This has enabled us to have certain comforts that I didn't even know existed when I was a kid: a house in which everyone has their own room, a color TV, a computer, video games, a dishwasher, two cars. We are happy that we are able to extend these comforts to our children. Here's the problem though. This life of comfort and ease has become my children's normal. Whereas, we expected to earn our comfort, our kids expect comfort. I think that's why a little bit inside of me dies when ever I hear my kids say, "There's nothing to do," when its a beautiful sunny day outside, or when they complain when I ask them to take out the garbage or unload the dishwasher. I can see them in my mind becoming the teenager that complains about the phone their parents bought them or the car they're made to drive.

Don't think for a second that I'm going to toss the dishwasher, or that I'm going to force my kids to sleep in the same room, but it seems some kind of balance must be found. On one hand I want my kids to have fun and be comfortable, but at the same time I don't want to do them the disservice of limiting their development by handing them everything they could need or want on a silver platter. I'd like to think that my kids have it better than I did, but do they really? Whats more important - the comfort of having something done for you or learning the value of that comfort? There is a saying that I constantly hear echoing around in my skull and it has greatly impacted the way I parent:

"We work so hard to give our children the things we never had, that we forget to give them the things we had."

-Brother Brett