Mister Dad is the moniker by which Jared and I decided this blog should be called. We chose this name very deliberately. "Mr. Mom" is by far a more common term used to denote an at-home dad, so naturally when we had to come up with a name for this little project "Mr. Mom" was one of the first names to come to mind. It was quickly crossed off the list, however. We decided against it for several reasons, the main reason being this: I hate the term "Mr. Mom."
"Mr. Mom" is a decent film, but it is a lousy descriptor for what I, and most other at-home dads, do/are. This term is merely a witty way of saying "male mother", and is about as inappropriate as "Mrs. Dad" is for working mothers. The root of why I detest this title so much is simply that I am not a mom. I didn't give birth. I don't "mother" my children. I don't raise my kids the same way their mother would, nor do they respond to me like they do their mother. By calling me "mom" not only are you devaluing what it means to be a father, you are also doing mothers a disservice by taking their title from them.
The fact that proves I am not a mother has in the past actually been a source tension in our family. I think other at-home dads can attest to this. It's not easy for most women to let the fathers of their children stay home raise the kids. It takes a tremendous amount of faith on their part to walk away from their children (which they developed over nine miserable/magical months and gave birth to) on a daily basis in the hopes that we men will not only not screw it up but that we'll actually do a good job rearing them. This "tension" stems from the simple fact that we fathers don't do things the same way that they would and this worries them to no end. This difference can drive both parties involved nuts until you come to the realization that, regardless of methodology, the kids are fine - in fact they're thriving.
Remember school, when you were required to call your teachers "Mr."or "Mrs."? This was enforced because by using the title "Mister" you were showing respect. For some reason all the respect seems sucked from the word when you put "mom" behind it. Put "dad" behind it, though, and it retains some of its presence. If someone calls you "dad" you can respond with, "That's MISTER dad to you, fella!" Respect.
Seriously though, think of all the titles given to people in this world: sir, duke, doctor, king, master, emperor, etc. None of these titles have the potential to be as great as that of "Mother" and "Father." Think about it. Would you ever say "Queen Earth"? No. Why? Because the title "queen" doesn't bear the majesty that "Mother" does. "Mother Earth" commands far more respect. Probably the best example comes out of Christianity. God is referred to by individuals and organizations, in scripture and in prayer, all around the world as "Heavenly Father" or "God, the Father". We have bestowed the title of "Father" on deity because it is one of the greatest titles in our language.
In my mind, "dad" is synonymous "father" only with added meaning. It implies a certain intimacy or closeness with your offspring that the term "father" somehow lacks. After all, any fertile male has the potential of being a "Father", but it takes a loving father who is dedicated to his kids to be a dad.
So Mister Dad, may seem like a clever-ish derivation of "Mr. Mom" but its more than that. Its a name that plays with the idea of respect, combined with title of a dedicated father; one that, in a round about way, is akin to deity. And really, to our kids, that's what we are - gods. That is really how they see us. Perhaps that's the key to being a good parent - acting some of the time, the way our children believe we behave all the time.
-Brother Brett
Brett- You really should write books...you are very articulate. I still like the phrases "At Home Dad" and "At Home Mom" best. That is what I called myself when I wasn't working and with the kids. I think the biggest prejudice you have to overcome is that being "at home" means not working. This is SO wrong. I felt that being at home with my children was a lot harder in many ways than being a professional. Going back to work was a bit of a welcomed relief. Granted, I got the brunt of Preston's intense autism phase and I had to potty train two of the three (hardest thing ever!). I think those experiences gave me that added respect of Jared being at home. Even more is that Jared is trying to juggle running a business and being there for the kids. Sure he doesn't do stuff the way I do stuff, but that's fine. That is why we have a father and a mother in a family. We compliment each other. Being a parent is tough...I just can't imagine doing it alone. I am just thankful for a super involved husband who is willing to put his career on hold for the better of the family. That is what I call being a real man and father...always putting the family first. Boy, I am one lucky girl!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to, at least in part, disagree with you Brett.
ReplyDeleteIn a way, you're falling victim to a socialized notion of the roles of men/women. The title of Mr. Mom, to you, is less respectful than when you place the term 'Dad'. The film you reference does a couple of things, it (at first) trashes the notion of a stay at home Dad. He stays and his wife earns - in that era it was viewed as emasculating. But as the film progresses, he owns the role, and fulfills his obligations to earn it.
Mom or mother isn't and shouldn't ever be viewed as a derogatory, mostly because it isn't something to be looked down upon. It is a word that evokes nurturing and life-giving, it's an easy label that, perhaps, has less meaning in modern society that it once did. We have grown beyond the biological roles of our primate ancestors, where the sex boundary denoted a specific role within the community and proved that both sexes can, in fact, perform either role (with the specific exception of giving birth) as well. Perhaps not exactly the same, but just as effectively. Partly because we have a communal understanding of do's and don'ts (where to put the apostrophe?), and partly because the demands of human society go far beyond simply getting food, shelter, a mate, and defending those things.
In other words, I think you shouldn't fixate on a label, no matter what it connotes or denotes. Since neither is (objectively) good or bad, but worry more about the intent of the people who are using the term.
I really don't like the idea of equivocating Father to diety, but I think that's a discussion for another day...
Yes and no. I agree that mom or mother shouldn't be considered derogatory. Those terms are simply inaccurate descriptors of what I do. I also agree that both sexes can perform the job of child rearing equally as well. You are a perfect example of that, as are gay couples, etc. However, and lengthy studies have shown this, that men go about child rearing far differently than women.
DeleteThe label's connotations vs intent on use is precisely the issue. Most people using the term "Mr. Mom" do so in an attempt to be emasculating. I guess my point is that the era when being an at-home dad was viewed as emasculating still exists. That era is not over.
This is what really bothers me about the term. It suggests that we still exist in a time when men are viewed as not being capable of "nurturing and lifegiving". Thus, any man staying at home to raise the kids most be (at least in part) a woman.
Its not like I get mad when people call me "Mr Mom". I wouldn't go so far as to say I "fixate" on it. I simply don't like its usage. Its just inaccurate.
Well, as I said, the term 'Mom' is generally used as an easy label for all those things typically associated with Motherhood.
DeleteMy female boss and her partner use the labels Mom and Mama. But why not Mom and Dad? Despite the fact that they are a lesbian couple and they defy gender norms every day, they still find themselves subject to the calcification of sex assignment to something as simple as what their children call them.
My question to you, Brett, would be, with the sole exception of the biological act of childbirth, how is 'mothering' a child specifically different from 'fathering'? Can a mother throw a baseball with her children, or come home from work and punish them for misbehaving? Can a father make cookies and nurture their child?
The process of raising a child is arduous and awesome. Gender roles are defined by the era in which they occur. Fortunately for us, those roles aren't as fixed in modern society as they once were.
You're right that the era of looking down upon men for staying at home isn't over. But it is rapidly on the decline. Those knuckle dragging, cave-dwelling, unevolved males are a dying breed. It's only ignorance that allows them to maintain views that were popular 50 years ago.
I've heard the theory that men use female based insults on other men to emasculate them since men have no inherent value other than what they can do or provide. Women have inherent value in that they can give birth. Men carry no reproductive risk and no capability other than starting the process, so they aren't valuable reproductively -- women are.
As a result, men use female insults to place men in the role of women without their reproductive value. They cast aspersions referencing female behavior or body parts to categorize them as non-contributer and non-reproductive, and therefore useless. You can't do that with women because they have inherent value no matter what.
Still, whatever the intent, the Mr. Mom 'insult' is only effective as an insult if you see it as (even in some small way) negative. Personally I would have no issue with someone inferring that I was female or feminine, because I don't think of that as something of which to be ashamed.
I'm also not entirely convinced that most of the people who use it are intending insult. As I noted before, the moniker works as an efficient label for the bulk (if not all) of what you do as a stay at home parent, whether you're showing him how to shave or rocking them to sleep in a chair.
I don't want to say to much here as I'd be giving up great material for further posts. But in answer to your question, there are lots of differences between "mothering" and "fathering". In fact, there have been pretty exhaustive studies on the subject (I'll try to dig up some of these sources when I do more writing on the matter). Simply put though, yes, both mother and father can teach a child to throw a baseball, or discipline their children with equal success. How they are likely to achieve those results is where the differences lie. Its not the ends, its the means that I find compelling.
DeleteI really appreciate the thoughtful analysis of my scribblings. Keep it up,... sissy. 8D
I don't want to rob you of your future material, but I'd be interested in references.
ReplyDeleteI'd also be curious about the source of the references, context and limits of those studies, and whether or not they're peer reviewed, etc.
I can't dispute or agree with facts that are not in evidence. I can understand, and agree with the notion, that males and females may take different approaches, but if their end goals are the same, ultimately, what's the difference so long as they aren't harming their offspring in the process.
I am glad that you are exploring these ideas, with my only worry being the conflation of sociological/cultural behaviors and ideas with (potentially) biological ones.
The means may provide distinction. Males and females are wired differently, and this can have a profound effect on how we act and react. But environment (society) plays a significant role as well.
This also has even more implications than just mothering vs. fathering. It also has to do with raising boys vs. girls. Do you, at any point, treat one differently than the other because of their birth sex? Would a mother treat one or the other differently?
Perhaps I need to wait for another post, but you never really answered what really is qualitatively or quantitatively different about Mr. Mom vs. Mrs. Mom?