Men really are strange creatures. As one of them, it has been interesting to see how my attitudes and emotions have evolved over the years due to my career as a full time dad. Perhaps more interesting to me is how other men initially react when they find out what I do. From my experience so far, reactions fall into one of two categories. Maybe its just that I have been doing this dad thing too long, but I find these reactions odd.
The first reaction type usually comes from guys that are married with kids. This how the conversation usually goes:
"So, what do you do, Brett?"
"I'm a stay-at-home dad."
"Really?! Good for you, man. There's NO WAY I could ever do that!"
Initially this sounds very complementary. To me, though, it's weird for several different reasons. My first thoughts are whether he likes being with his family or not. Are your kids so bratty that you can't imagine spending more than a weekend with them? (If so you may need to consider spending more time with them...) Are those strangers in neighboring cubicles that much better company? The reason this is strange to me is because the longer I do this dad thing, the more I realize that my kids are my favorite people, and there is no one I'd rather spend my time with. Now, I'm firm believer that getting out every once and a while is a good thing. I relish my "guy's night out" or even catching a movie by myself. If, however, I had to choose one group of people to hang out with for the rest of my life, it certainly wouldn't be the people I used to work with - it would be my wife and kids.
There is another thing about this that puzzles me and it has to do with attitudes toward women. When was the last time this sort of shock and awe was expressed to a woman that stays home and raises a family? Is this sort of amazement expressed to their own wives? Their mothers? Somehow, I doubt it.
The second reaction usually comes from single guys or married men with no kids.
"So, what do you do, Brett?"
"I'm a stay-at-home dad."
"Lucky! Must be nice to hang out at home all day."
I'm sorry, but did you just call me "lazy"? That's certainly how it comes across. Do you really think I spend all day in my boxers playing Call of Duty? This used to really irritate me. I've realized now that this reaction is really just an expression of ignorance as to what it takes to raise a family, rather than an attempt at being demeaning. Now I find it more funny than offensive. What's even more interesting is that they feel safe saying this to me. Would they ever dare say that to a woman? Again, what does this say about their attitudes towards women in the same position as me?
Perhaps its because I'm a guy that other men find themselves with their defenses down, inserting their feet into their respective mouths. Maybe the shock of finding a man doing what I do causes them to say the first thing that comes into their heads. I'm a man, and as such I'm sure I've said some pretty stupid things. Maybe we're just wired that way. Either way, I think the world would be better off if we actually thought about what we're going to say before we say it.
You have to realize that men (and women of course but we're talking about men) constantly fight against both our biology and the constructions of society that result from said biology.
ReplyDeleteWe are a disposable sex, our value in society is defined by accomplishing more than our (easily replaced) procreative contribution. We must 'do' and 'accomplish' in order to be valued within society.
In your case, the role you have is one that is NOT one of providership, but of nurturing and protection. Men don't value it because it's not how society typically defines them, it's not the way they were raised.
Some men (the first reaction you outlined) can't envision themselves as nurturers because it's not what they know. They weren't raised that way, and society generally supports that notion in men, after all, our value is in what we do and how well we provide the means for our family's survival.
The others (the second reaction) are ones that are profoundly ignorant about what it really takes. I daresay they'd say the same about women who stay at home as well.
Well put. I think you nailed it on the head! In one of my previous blog posts I actually talk about this very thing. Even as someone who consciously chose this role, its hard at first to overcome that idea that we should be providing instead.
DeleteI wanted to clarify - by 'do' I mean things that specifically provide. There is definitely overlap between the provider/protector and the nurturer/protector.
ReplyDeleteThe way our bodies store fat, our natural tendency toward aggression (and the hormone production that enables that), upper body strength, and the way our brains form from early childhood all indicate a roaming provider/protector from external threat kind of role - which you defy to a large degree - something with which most typically raised mails can't identify.
With you as a stay at home dad, you are ensuring the success and survival of your progeny by keeping them safe, ensuring they're taught what they need to survive when they do eventually go out into the world. You also protect them from outside threats (which overlaps with the provider/protector) as well as them from themselves.