Most boys won't say that they want to be a homemaker when they grow up. In fact, at least for my generation, it was never even considered an option. For the vast majority of at-home dads this career is one that usually starts out of necessity. For my wife and me it started as basic economics. My wife made more money than I did. It was further cemented after an incident at our church; a woman running a daycare killed a small boy in her care - both were members of our congregation. We really believed that no one, other than ourselves, should be raising our child.
Being a modern man I accepted this new calling of primary care giver with enthusiasm. I had visions of playing ball in the back yard, building Lego's together, watching his face when he learned that Vader is actually Luke's father. It was going to be fun all day, every day. And surely I would still be able to work now and then on days my wife had off.
It turns out, like many other things in life, that raising my son wasn't at all what I thought it was going to be. The problem was I didn't have an 8 year old that I could play, build and watch Star Wars with - I had a baby. Instead of spending all day every day having fun, I was dealing with blow-outs, spit up, feeding, figuring out why he was crying for no apparent reason, trying to get him to sleep, trying (and failing) to do an endless amount of house work, doing errands like shopping while simultaneously dealing with blow-outs, spit up, feeding, and figuring out why he was crying. Well, at least I could work on those precious days off. That too was a false notion and soon the work dried up.
We're raised with the notion that women take care of the kids and men earn money. As such our entire youth is built on our plans for the future. What classes you take in high school, your grades, what crappy job to get to save for college, what you decide your major should be, is all based on the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Having all these years of preparation and indoctrination magically erased by choosing to stay at home is for men psychologically jarring. This problem is uniquely paternal. Being a primary care giver is hard work, woman or man. The difference is that most women are more mentally prepared, as being an at-home mom has always been a possibility for them. Unfortunately, the possibility of being an at-home dad is a consideration that is rarely realized by men.
For me the first year was the hardest. Subconsciously, I started resenting my wife and even my child because they had somehow stolen the future that I had been working for years to build. But of course we're men so we don't express these feelings, in fact I didn't at first really understand why this was so hard for me. Now I wouldn't change what I do for any salary. What changed?
Often attitudes change with our perceptions. My perceptions changed when I one day had an epiphany. I came to a realization: I AM GOOD AT THIS. This is a job that requires training, intuition, and skills and I was starting to master them. My wife needed me to show her how to best hold a bottle, calm him when he was upset, get him to sleep, etc.. I was needed in this role. I wasn't just some full time babysitter. I was the one with the skills needed not just to bring up a child but to make our lives livable. Nothing feels as empowering as a dad as when your child, upset and crying, comes running into your arms, right past mom. Those are the moments when you know that what you're doing is right - when you know what you're doing is important.
-Brother Brett
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